Animal Jokes

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A Cat's Christmas List

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tasty cat treats...

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A Puppy's Love

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

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Ape's Philosophical Reading

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They ...

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Bad Dog

Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

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Barber Cat

Q. How do you call a barber cat? A.

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Baskin' Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me too," said the seco...

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Bengals Fan Dog

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jerse...

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Brutus and His Meat

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only m...

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Bull Pills in Well

A farmer had a bull that wasn't getting the job done that he was supposed to, so the farmer went to ...

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Bull's Slip

"I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

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Canary's Sad Condition

Doris screamed into the phone, "Doctor, I woke up this morning and my canary was blue! What do I do?...

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Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

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Cat Body Length

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely in...

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Cat Doing Tricks

Q. What do you call a cat who does tricks? A.

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Cat Foot Traffic Obstruction

A cat must lie on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

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Cat Mailing Kittens

Q. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? A.

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Cat Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

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Cat's Game with Mouse

Q. Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse? A.

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Cats and Meals

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

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Cats on Leashes

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

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Cats vs. Dogs

What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredic...

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Chicken-Zebra Hybrid

So, if you cross a chicken with a zebra, would you get a four-legged dinner with its own barcode?

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City Slicker Buys a Horse

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was q...

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Cliff Jumping Mishap

Two men are standing on top of a cliff. One has a budgie on his shoulder, the other has a parrot. Th...

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Cow Newspaper

Q. What newspaper do cows read?

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Cow and Dog Cross

Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a dog?

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Cow with No Legs

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?

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Cow with No Lips

Q. What goes "ooo, oooo, oooo?"

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Cows and Bells

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

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Dog Seeks Revenge

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm ...

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Dog for Sale

Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

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Dog's Movie Reaction

A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm ...

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Dog's Nap Time

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered int...

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Dog's Winter Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening'. It's yellow, NOT white, I've be...

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Dog-friendly hotel

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wro...

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Dogs vs. Cats: Gifts

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

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Dogs vs. Cats: Love

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mi...

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Dogs vs. Cats: Sympathy

5. A dog knows when you're sad, and he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long ...

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Dogs vs. Cats: Travel

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own...

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Dogs vs. Cats: Understanding

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and tak...

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Dogs vs. Cats: Welcome Home

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad a...

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Duck and Grapes

One day, a duck walked into a bar and asked for grapes. "Sorry," said the bartender, "We don't have ...

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Elephant and Turtle's Long Memory

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles o...

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Elephant of Surprise

What's big, grey, and makes you jump?

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Elephant's Revenge

Beware of young bull elephants, for they may not know what they do.

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English Cat's Drink

Q. What do English cats drink in the afternoon? A.

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Firefly's Gotta Glow

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All r...

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First-Time Duck Hunters' Hunting Mishap

Two friends decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before, and af...

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Fish Tank Joke

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

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Frog and Psychic

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who w...