Bachelor's Food Guide

Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because
they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes
before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.

FREEZER FOODS:

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice
cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of
the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably
be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with
a kitchen knife.

IN THE FRIDGE:

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell,
the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like
yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage
cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway
-- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon
appetite!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from
a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the
meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're
tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. EMPTY

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the
average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your
refrigerator to gauge this.

ON THE SHELF:

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or
shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,
leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf
of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are
good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time,
depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should
be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration
date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when
you open it.

PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can
no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's
nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put
down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable
amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh
salt usually pours.

SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be
fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you
to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on
groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to
replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your
kitchen.